Thank-FULL

I originally wrote most of this post as a preschool staff meeting devotion. As today, July 13, is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my trip to Cambodia, I decided to publish this remembrance of how the trip changed me.  I presented the devotion around Thanksgiving time, but it is appropriate for me to have the theme of thanksgiving running through this message because of my overwhelming thankfulness for the journey God had for me in Cambodia.

My wonderful daddio and me

Most of you know my story of how God called me to go to Cambodia. In October of 2009, God spoke clearly to my heart and told me that my precious daddy was going to die, and that God wanted me to use money from Dad's estate to go to Cambodia. At the time, I cried, I fought for my dad, and I kept this message mostly to myself. In my head, I knew Dad's time on earth was nearing its end; he was a 90-year-old man with cancer. In my heart, I wanted to beat back death and keep this wonderful, mischievous, loving daddy of mine here where he could hold my hand and tell me crazy stories. God knew HIS plan, though, and He did take my dad home to heaven on December 9, 2009. It was only after Dad's death that I started to process God's words to me, and the fact that I needed to go to Cambodia. It was one of a handful of times in my life that I can say that without a doubt, I knew God’s plans and directions for me. My plan was for me to be a sender of missionaries, a prayer warrior who held up those who went on mission trips – but from afar, from safety, from my comfy chair at home – probably from under a blanket, with my air conditioning running a little cold. Slowly but powerfully, God worked his plan to connect me to the Cambodian mission field. And then, he told me to go.

Because of my three weeks in Cambodia, I am thankful for some pretty odd things this year. The first thing I am thankful for is the tremendous fear I felt when preparing for this trip of a lifetime. I haven’t talked much about it, but the very idea of going to Cambodia terrified me. Sure, I put on a good front. I knew if God asked me to do it, I had to do it regardless of my fears, and of course, there were many elements drawing me to Cambodia. But there were also many elements that just plain scared the pants off me. I was scared of so many different things. Would I really be able to handle leaving my family, especially my husband, for over three weeks? How would all those international flights go? Would I be able to tolerate the heat and humidity, the different foods, the language barrier? Would I get sick? And even, believe it or not, would I come back home? A big part of me was preparing for leaving forever, for getting killed somewhere along the way. I know this was not a reasonable fear, and yet it was very real to me. I was also fearful that something terrible would happen to my family while I was so far away. God took each one of those fears, let me experience them fully, and then showed me how much bigger He was than any of them. His perfect love cast out my fear. (1 John 4:18)

I am thankful for my increasingly confused worldview. I have lived my whole life in SE Minnesota. I grew up 30 miles from here, went to college 45 miles from here, and then R.J. and I moved here after college – and this is where we stayed. We generally vacation in northern Minnesota. I really haven’t seen much or been challenged much in my beliefs – or at least I hadn’t. In Cambodia, I was challenged to consider things I had never thought twice about before. For example, I have always strongly supported buying things “made in the USA.” While I still think that’s a great idea, the issue is now much more complex for me. I see that a factory over in Cambodia, built with US dollars, would employ people who have no other means of getting out of some very awful situations. In a society where it is sometimes considered acceptable to sell your daughter into the sex trade to help make money to feed the rest of the family, a viable alternative for making money is significant. So where should our US dollars go? I don’t know. I just know the issue is bigger than I ever thought it was. And I am glad that I now understand that I do not have the answers. “For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.” (1 Corinthians 3:19a)

I am also thankful for the completely deplorable things I saw while I was in Cambodia. On my second day there, we were still being tourists. Our group of teachers for English Camp rode a bus to a local market to do some shopping. Cambodian markets do not have an equivalent here. This market encompassed a city block, with hundreds of shops piled one on top of another. In the aisles between the shops were the beggars, mostly men who had lost limbs to land mines. Some sold postcards, some just asked for money. They would aim their missing limb at you and position themselves between you and the shops.  It was really quite overwhelming. But there was one person who was different. A young mother sat in the middle of an “intersection” in the market. She held her baby in her arms, a child suffering from hydrocephaly. The child barely moved; we wondered if he were even alive. There was a cup in front of this mother, for any money that might come her way, but she didn’t cry out as the other beggars did. She simply sat there, as if that took all the energy she had. Her eyes, and the sight of that baby, are forever etched in my mind. We have so many blessings here, and among them healthcare, support systems, and educational resources for families who need them. This woman looked to be without hope, without help. “God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1) More than anything, I wish for that woman and her baby to have my God’s refuge and strength, and I am thankful that when I am overwhelmed, I have God’s ever-present help in my own life.

The real me, in Cambodia - hot, sweaty, and blessed

I am thankful that I was hot, sweaty, and desperately thirsty much of the time I was in Cambodia. At home, I have so many favorite foods and drinks, delicacies I enjoy every day. In the morning, I get up and have my Raisin Nut Bran and a cup of chai. Lunch varies each day, but it almost always ends with some Diet Dr. Pepper and a little bit of Dove dark chocolate. In Cambodia, everything was different. I expected the food to be different. I worried a little bit about the effects of going cold turkey on my chai and my Diet Dr. Pepper, and I prepared for being thirsty by bringing powdered electrolyte replacement packets to add to my water. What I didn’t really think about was how warm the drinking water would be. We had plentiful water to drink. There were five-gallon jugs at our disposal for refilling our water bottles as often as we needed. The water wasn’t chilled, but it didn’t start out warm. During the course of the day, as we traveled on field trips, the water would become warmer and warmer. I would never have thought of drinking water that temperature at home. I would have just dumped it out and started over. In Cambodia, I needed to drink water and that was the only water I had. I added my fruity electrolyte mixture and called my water “tea” when it got warm. More than that, I actually didn’t mind it. While I was in Cambodia, I was as hot and uncomfortable as I have been in my adult life, but I wouldn’t have missed a minute of it. I knew the delight of a rain shower as I have never known it before!  I understood thirst as I never have before. Jesus told the woman at the well that He could quench her thirst forever with His living water, and I believe I understand that appeal of that promise just a little bit better after my time in Cambodia.

I am thankful for the pictures I didn’t get. I took over 800 pictures, and I created a Shutterfly book with approximately 490 pictures. You might say to yourself, how could there possibly be any pictures she didn’t get? Believe it or not, there were plenty of times I put my camera down. I wanted to experience things and be a part of activities we were doing, and I’m so glad that I did. God knew that I needed to have a few experiences that were not photographed. They are the ones I have to work a little harder to remember and describe to others. Another reason I am glad for missed pictures is that they give me one more reason to return to Cambodia. Don’t be surprised if you hear of me doing just that, sometime down the road.

One more thing I am thankful for is the struggle I felt reintegrating myself into life as usual, once I returned. The struggle actually began on the way back, as I arrived at the airport in Bangkok. Some of you may have read my blog on this topic. It was very difficult for me to see the opulence and abundance of resources in that airport, when I had just come from a place where poverty was everywhere. In fact, it was painful. I completely fell in love with the people and the culture of Cambodia. Walking to and from our English Camp every day while we were in Siem Reap provided an opportunity for us to see clearly the poverty that many live in. We not only saw it, we grew accustomed to it. We interacted with it, and with the people as well. I have a story of some little children who lived along our path to the church. We saw them daily, and on our final trip back to the hotel, I asked them if I could take their picture. Here they are. You can see their home behind them. It is truly nothing but a roof. That is poverty. Yet these children smiled and waved at us. They let me take their picture. When I showed it to them, on the back of my camera, they giggled as though it was the funniest thing they had ever seen. The sound of their laughter was just about the sweetest sound I have ever heard. It instantly bonded me to them. I am so thankful for a new awareness of and intimacy with the reality of poverty.

I hope I haven’t made it sound as though my trip to Cambodia was a negative experience. Don’t get me wrong. I had many experiences in Cambodia that were hilarious, that filled me to the top with joy, instantly. (In fact, I blogged about some of those not too long ago.) It was a life-changing three weeks for me, one I still have trouble putting into words.  But right now, on this anniversary of my departure, I am going to challenge each of you to be willing to be fearful, confused, overwhelmed, uncomfortable, disappointed, and unsettled – if it means being obedient to God. Sometimes He asks a lot of us, but the best thing we can do is say, “Yes, Lord. I’m willing.” He’ll take care of the rest, one day at a time, one step at a time.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” (Ephesians 3: 20-21)