The Ache

My father-in-law, waiting at the hospital

Ache: āk/ 1. a continuous or prolonged dull pain in a part of one's body 2. an emotion experienced with painful or bittersweet intensity

Any death brings with it heartache and sorrow of bittersweet intensity. The separation is painful, and it cannot be escaped. The sorrow lurks around each corner, making it difficult to be prepared for the sweep of emotions that can take you off your feet at a moment’s notice. The illusion of control is removed, as you realize that you cannot predict what is to come in this earthly life any more than you can change what has already happened.

Quite honestly, it stinks.

Death by suicide adds layers of nuances to the ache. There are so many questions: Why did he…? Why didn’t I…? What could I have…? Why didn’t he tell me…? Why did God allow…?

Robin Williams, an amazing comedian, is the latest famous person to lose his battle with depression. His death puts a spotlight on suicide at a time when our family is acutely feeling that pain. Just over a month ago, my father-in-law stunned us all by killing himself. We knew he was depressed. We knew he refused to seek treatment for his depression. We knew he was overwhelmed with the thoughts of how life was changing because of his dear wife’s hospital stay. We even knew he was alone with his depressive thoughts every night. And yet, I think I am safe in saying that no one expected this. The worst of the medical crisis was over for his wife. He had a crowd of people, loving him and supporting him every day. His fifty-third anniversary was…well, it was the day he chose to end his life. How did depression take him to the dark place where he could do that?

We will never know the answers for sure. The depressed mind does not view the world accurately.  It is possible he thought he was protecting his wife by making sure other, more capable people would be caring for her. It is possible he was so overwhelmed that he could not take one more day of the stress he felt. It is possible that his own physical pain was no longer bearable. It is likely that fatigue played a role.

What he left behind is family and friends who wish he would have trusted them enough to let them share his ache. There are so many who would have loved to have him lean on them, so many who would have felt privileged to lend a hand. There are so many who shed tears every single day, missing him. The ache we feel has become a part of our daily lives.

We are living life differently these days. We have many new responsibilities that remind us of our loss and distract us from our loss, simultaneously. We are extra protective of my mother-in-law, hoping in some way to help her through her pain, but sometimes, unintentionally, causing her more pain. We are making mistakes. We are doing our best to remember and honor the man we loved. We are injured.

Our biggest lesson from all of this is to remember to ask for help, and to accept help when it is offered. We know that most of all, WE ARE NOT ALONE.

Thank you, friends and family, for helping us navigate through the ache. Thank you, Jesus, for understanding and for loving us.