On Turning Fifty-Five

This has been a weepy couple of days for me. I guess we’re all allowed a tear-filled day once in a while, but I have to say, I don’t care for them. I’ve talked about this before in my blog: I am not a fan of crying – and I mean MY OWN crying. I am especially un-thrilled with tears clustering in the corners of my eyes from “out of nowhere.” I understand that it’s all a part of the process of grieving, but I don’t like this out of control emotion. I’m constantly tired. I’m annoyingly unfocused. I’m easily overwhelmed. I’m often frustrated. And I’m just plain sad. It is hard work to keep on keeping on, with a smile on my face.

My father-in-law’s death has changed my life. Of course, I mean that in a spiritual way, but I also mean it in a concrete, physical way. Much of R.J.’s and my spare time and energy are used for handling details of my mother-in-law’s care, and occasionally we also need to deal with the ugly parts of the death itself. I know myself to be a positive, upbeat, encouraging person, and now I struggle to find that person. I long for a weekend (or longer) away with my husband, but obstacles keep getting in the way of making it happen.

I have given many talks on grieving. I know what it takes to get through this difficult journey, and I know God will sustain me through all the yuck. That knowledge doesn’t do a thing to take away the ache in my heart. God will use the pain and the struggle, but in order for him to do that, I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even when that very act seems an insurmountable challenge.

I miss my old life, the life before Les ended his life. I have learned so much about the desperation of depression, and the devastation it can leave in its wake. I pray I will use this knowledge wisely and compassionately.

Five years ago, when I turned 50, I challenged all my friends to do five random acts of kindness in honor of my five decades of life. I wanted a report back on the acts, instead of a gift or party of any kind. I loved hearing about the wonderful ways you all blessed others. It was truly uplifting. Tomorrow, I turn 55. Let’s put a different spin on things this time, and make those acts of kindness a little less random.  I would love for each of you to reach out to at least one grieving or depressed person. It can be as simple as a hug or a hand-written note that says, “I love you.” It might mean scheduling a lunch date. Maybe you will end up doing dishes or cleaning house with a friend. It could mean offering to watch children so a friend can just take a walk and clear her head. I trust you to have amazing, God-inspired ideas of how to carry this out. You can report back if you want, as your ideas may inspire others, but let’s leave all names out of the reports.

Go. Spread LOVE. Live Jesus. Amen.