I Get by with a Little Help from my Friends

How good are you at admitting you need help at all, ever, even to yourself? Better still, how good are you at accepting help when it is offered? And one better, how good are you at accepting your own shortcomings and failures?

For me, this time of year brings this mental health checklist to mind. It was on July 8, 2014, that my father-in-law stunned us all by committing suicide. I know there were many factors that led to his flawed interpretation of his options, and I also know that no suicide can be contained in a small box or be made simple. I firmly believe that none of us will ever fully understand Les’s decision during our time here on earth. We can guess, we can gather information, and we can surmise, but without him here to tell us, we are simply speculating. We can’t know, and quite honestly, I don’t believe much would be made better if we did know. His final act of desperation is now two years past. The hole in the lives of those who loved him lives on, but there is no way to go back and change even one thing.

Les is gone, but you are here. It might be possible that I can help you, so I want to ask those three questions again. How good are you at admitting you need help at all, ever, even to yourself? How good are you at accepting help when it is offered? How good are you at accepting your own shortcomings and failures?

Maybe you struggle with admitting that you need help, admitting that you cannot manage life the way it is right now, admitting that things are out of control. Your self-talk might sound something like this, “What are you doing? You need to get it together. You can’t let anyone know that you are in over your head. What will they think of you? How will you ever gain their confidence or trust? You NEED to be able to do this, so just DO it.” Hit the pause button. Breathe. You are not the sum of your accomplishments. You are more than that. You are a creation made in the image of God, loved by Him regardless what you do.  Are you kind to others? Are you hoping and trying to do better? Don’t hide behind pride. Let others see the whole you. You might be surprised at the fact that you are not that different from all the people around you. We all feel panicked sometimes. We all need help.

Maybe someone got a glimpse of that area of your life that you like to keep hidden. Maybe they even offered to help you, and your reaction was to feel walls fly up into place and to feel sick to your stomach. Your self-talk might have sounded like this, “Are you crazy? You can’t let anyone see that black pit you have made! If people see what a failure  you are, they will never respect you again. You dug this hole yourself, you can get out of it yourself. Work harder! Don’t let anyone in!!” If your self-talk does sound something like this, I want you to stop and think about the last time you were able to help a friend complete a project. Think about how good that made you feel. Did you judge your friend for needing help? Of course not! Refusing help when it is offered often robs the potential helper of completing a task that God Himself has laid on that person’s heart. It robs you of learning to receive help with as much grace as you give help. It diminishes your relationships with others. You can do better. You can accept help. And do you know what? You can even ask for help. People who love you would love to help you.

Maybe you have been working very hard for a very long time to try to overcome a personal flaw. This flaw could be a secret, or it could be obvious to everyone around you. It’s entirely possible that you think it’s a secret, but in reality, it is obvious to everyone around you. It might be that you get angry too easily. You could be a caretaker who is burned out or a mom who can’t move off the couch. Maybe you are no good at money management.  You could be struggling with clinical depression and trying to beat it on your own. You might say to yourself, “I am so tired of being a total mess.  I fail. Every. Single. Day. I don’t think I will ever be able to overcome this struggle. There is no point to trying anymore. It is too big of a part of my life, and I am too weak to do any better. I am the world’s worst person. I don’t deserve to be happy/alive/married/(fill in the blank).” These are lies. Do not believe them.  The truth is that you will always have worth. The truth is that when you are at your weakest, that’s when you need to find someone to lean on. You don’t need to tell the whole world about your problem, but find one trustworthy friend. Share your heartache. Listen. If they try to help you, let them. If they let you know of resources so you can be helped by professionals, follow-up. It’s OK to be weak. Everyone is weak sometimes. Everyone fails. Your failures do not define you, nor do they EVER make you unlovable.  

The bottom line for me is this: God is real. He really, truly loves you. Following Him does not mean your trials will be over or your heart will never be broken, but it does mean that you get to do life, trials and heartbreaks included, with Him at your side. He will never leave you or forsake you. This is a fact, something you can KNOW, even when you don’t feel it. God’s plan is for all of us to help each other. Sometimes we do the helping, and sometimes we let others help us. Since He is all-knowing, I think it’s wise to follow His plan even when it’s hard to follow His plan.

Hey, I love you. Let me know what I can do to help, and I’ll let you know the same.