Mental Health Heartaches

The holidays are filled with emotional land mines for many. Those who struggle with mental illness often have extra difficulties at this time of year. Their own depression, anxiety, or other challenges appear in stark contrast to the joy of the people and events around them. Additionally, they may be dealing with bad memories of Christmases past. But those struggling with mental illness are not the only ones who have challenges during the holiday season; their loved ones can also be faced with many difficulties as they try to make life manageable for the ones who are ill. 

If you are the loved one of someone with a mental illness, it may be that something in the following list resonates with you. Many of the items on this list are not exclusive to the holidays, but they might be more pronounced at this hectic, festive, celebration-filled time of year. Take heart. You are not alone. Other caretakers also feel your heartache. Your role in the life of your loved one is huge, and you need your own support system. At times, we romanticize what it is like to be the helper, the caretaker. We say, "Given the chance I will step up. I will be there for my friend or family member. I will do everything I can." While that is probably true, it is also true that your role comes with a cost. Find ways to fill yourself up again after emptying yourself for your loved one. Lean on your Heavenly Father. Cherish your moments of solitude. Laugh. 

While each illness and person are unique, here is a glimpse at what loving someone with a mental illness might look like.

It is your family Christmas picture with one member missing, because he couldn’t leave the house that day.

It is dropping everything to respond to a phone call with an urgent plea for help. 

It is a feeling of never helping enough, and yet always being on call.

It is providing countless reassurances that your love is sincere, without strings, and unbreakable.

It is a constant search for the perfect combination of therapy, medication, and everything else.

It is choosing your words ever-so-carefully and still having them misconstrued.

It is poverty with no prospect of self-sufficiency.

It is a desperate attempt to combat despair.

It is learning and growing and trying your best to understand the illness that grips your loved one.

It is rejoicing at something as simple as a trip to the grocery store.

It is watching as a brilliant mind is chopped into a million pieces and scattered across the world.

It is pain that has no balm.

It is chaos that won’t be calmed.

It is confusion that is offended by reason.

It is long notes that cry out for help, with no possibility of a sufficient response.

It is finding words to explain your loved one's absence, again and again.

It is celebrating a good day without trying to make it into something more than that.

It is hanging on and letting go, and never being sure which one is the appropriate response.

It is attempting to plan a holiday celebration with no confidence as to what will or won’t trigger a negative response.

It is a memory of a different life, of happier days for the one you love.

It is begging God to intervene and watching as His responses are rebuffed.

It is costly in so many ways, and yet always and forever worth every cost.

It is love that bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.

It is crying out for restoration but accepting that it may not come.

It is a committed faith in what is Unseen.

This list comes with a caveat. If you read this list and you are struggling with a mental illness, DO NOT feel guilty about the burden you are placing on your loved ones. We want to help you. I know from experience what it feels like to be shut out and not allowed to help. I know from experience what it feels like to lose a loved one to the sheer force of depression. I do not want to feel that again. Life is precious, and those of us in a position to help WANT to help. We help with full knowledge of the cost, and the cost is negligible compared with the VALUE of you.

If you read this and you are not experiencing any of these issues, say a prayer for those who are. Don't feel sorry for them. They are simply living out their love. Although our family is in this position right now, don't post comments commending us or consoling us. While we wish things were different, for the sake of our loved one, we are doing what we want to be doing. The point is that it's not always pretty, and we need to be honest about that. Pretending that the holidays are perfect for everyone simply isn't reality, and it adds more pressure for those in crisis. The ugliness is temporary, whether it ends up getting resolved in this life or the next, but it is still real. The way to honor the honesty of this message is to share it with someone who you think it might help, or to just use it as a prayer list when you think of those you know who are in the throes of mental health struggles.

That's all for now. May you feel Emmanuel, God with you, this Christmas season and always.