Say the Words

“Yes, I am still here. Yes, I still love you. Yes, you are worthy of love.”

We aim these words at those who are struggling with mental illness, and especially at those who may have suicidal ideations. The words say, “Ask for help.” The words say, “I will always be there.” The words say, “I want to know, and I want to be bothered.” The words say, “I will walk beside you in your darkest days.” I see them in memes. I see them on billboards and in ads.

We mean the words when we say them. We mean the words when we post them. We mean the words when we spread them around on signs. Those words fill us with strength and hope and power. We feel like we can stand in the face of mental illness and cast our light into the darkness. We feel like we can rescue and restore people, if only they listen to our words.

The problem is, it is so much easier to say the words than it is to hear them. People with mental illnesses are complicated, and they aren't always able to listen. They hurt us in unexpected and sometimes “unforgivable” ways, and they may not apologize or ask for forgiveness. Instead, they accuse us of hurting them. They make promises they don’t or can’t keep. They make choices we could never understand. They alienate those who love them and do not seek reconciliation. Sometimes, they don’t even leave their homes. They don’t attend the events that mean so much to them and to us. They won’t read our messages. They won’t let us know how to reach them. They don’t take care of their physical needs. They don’t make sense. Their way of reaching out isn’t what we expect, nor is it even interpreted by us as reaching out. It looks more like lashing out. They ask for us to give them unreasonable things or do unreasonable things for them. They are angry, REALLY angry. They are prickly and hard to approach. They reject us in profoundly painful ways. They fear us for unexplained or impossible-to-understand reasons. They want unconditional acceptance, in a world that says we need to work for what we get. They feel a chasm between themselves and the rest of the world, and they dig the chasm deeper to protect themselves.

So what do we do when the one we love, the one we want to help, the one to whom we pledged our devotion, makes interactions with them IMPOSSIBLE? How do we love the unlovable acts that are thrust upon us? How do we even find the person we love in the perplexing maze of mental illness?

I don’t know.

There is no easy answer.

There is no single path to reach a person who is gripped in the throes of mental illness.

Sadly, the words we throw around like a big blanket that we hope will take care of everything quite often fall short.

Does this mean we say nothing? NO! Does this mean we lose hope? NO! Does this mean we abandon our loved ones with mental illness? Of course not.

We still say, “Ask for help.” We still say, “I will always be there.” We still say, “I want to know, and I want to be bothered.” We still say, “I will walk beside you in your darkest days.”

The difference is, we say the words when our hearts are breaking. We say the words through our tears. We get comfort from our support system for the times when the words are ignored. We say the words when our loved ones are not there to hear them.  If only God is there to hear the words, then we pray the words. We pray that the billboard or ad or meme is in the right place at the right time so that someone who needs it might see it. We teach others to say the words. We understand that the more people who say the words with us, the more chance there is for our loved ones to hear those words. We pray for a chorus of people to say the words and MEAN the words, all around the world, until somehow, some day the words are heard and believed by those who need them.

“Yes, I am still here. Yes, I still love you. Yes, you are worthy of love. YES.”

If you are in crisis and need emergency assistance, call 9-1-1 or the Crisis Response of SE Minnesota at (844) 274-7472 or the Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-8255.

For more resources in our area, follow this link to our Southeast Minnesota NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Health) website: https://namisemn.org/resources/