Forty-one Years

Today is anniversary number forty-one for R.J. and me. I like posting about us or about marriage on the occasion of our anniversary, and this year is no different. Here is what has been on my mind lately. 

Recently, a friend posted a list of how to give attention to all the different love languages - for a cruise lover. I adapted a list of my own, that fits my style of travel. Here is my list.

 Words of affirmation: “Your plan for this trip is amazing. I really appreciate all your attention to detail and the many hours you put into planning for us.”

Quality time: “Let's take this scenic drive and stop for some ice cream along the way.”

Acts of service: “Where's your list of things you need done before the trip, so I can start checking some of those items off for you?”

Gifts: “It isn't your birthday or our anniversary, but I found this pair of hiking sandals you've been wanting and bought them for you.”

Physical touch: “Let me massage your leg where you got that muscle cramp from our long hike today.”

I then commented that I would take them all.

The truth is, the above list is not realistic, especially if I think my husband can or “should” provide them ALL. It is the kind of list that breeds discontentment and resentment when a spouse doesn’t do all those things, which never should have been expected in the first place. Even if my husband does some of the things on this list regularly (and he does!), I might not be content if he doesn’t do them all.

If a marriage is to last, learning about love languages is important – but it should be learning about how to give to someone else, not how to get more stuff for yourself. I need to consider how good I am at giving him what he wants. How good am I and asking about and listening to his needs? If his needs are simple, does that mean I ignore him and just wait for him to do something extravagant for me? No matter how strong the temptation, I know that is not right.

It's perfectly normal to want the extravagant gesture every once in a while, to feel important to and understood by your spouse. The best way to help both husband and wife feel loved and understood is to make time for honest conversation about big things and small things. Keep in touch, and act with love and respect.

Communicating well is not simple. It takes time and energy, and it won’t always look the way you want it to look. Fatigue, mood, and many other factors can strain communication and make both individuals  want to shut down rather than open up. But doing the work does have payoffs. Maybe not shiny, pie-in-the-sky payoffs. Maybe just regular, every day little things.

We are on vacation now, and as I was doing the prep work for the trip, I went to my playlist to play my songs while I worked. My husband set it up for me on our big trip last summer. I noticed that there was a new song added to the list. All week long I had been humming a song we sang on Sunday in church, and he had (without fanfare) gone into my list and added it. That’s love. I noticed it, and I smiled. It is good to feel known and loved. He does that for me, and sometimes I forget to let him know how much I appreciate that.

Forty-one years ago today, we made some promises with wide eyes and no experience. Today, our eyes are open to the beauty that the hard work of marriage provides. I love you, R.J. Traff.