Stay Home Mom, Job Description

I have been reflecting on so many things lately. It’s that time of life, I guess. Things just keep on changing, whether I give them permission to do so or not. A recent incidental comment by a very close friend started me on the train of thoughts I want to share here. The comment was simple, and I’m sure no disrespect was meant by it. We were discussing my younger daughter’s college major, which is elementary education (just like my major from way back when). I don’t remember the exact words, but the comment was something to the effect of, “I wonder if she’ll use hers more than you used yours.” That’s when the thoughts started churning….

Over the years, I have seen many cute little messages regarding the job description of a stay-home mom that go something like this: chauffeur, nurse, chef, teacher, economic advisor, diplomat, etc. You get the idea. Moms do everything, and when moms choose to stay home, we tend to want to attach a glowing description or impact statement to our job title in order to add some value to our decision. On the one hand, there isn’t anything inherently wrong with that. The list of tasks we accomplish can be quite long, and the fact of the matter is that a system for valuation of those tasks is often lacking. There is no process for performance reviews or compensatory salary; so, it’s not bad to make those lists for ourselves, in order to get the approval/recognition that we are missing.

On the other hand, the job of a stay-home mom cannot be described accurately by a list of tasks she completes. I do not believe this particular job is works-based, just as I do not believe doing more “things” necessarily makes a person into a better mom. There should be no competition here, no comparison of lists. Often, moms who work full-time outside the home and moms who stay home find themselves at odds with each other, each trying to prove the value of their choices. There is nothing to be gained by moms pitting themselves against other moms. Nothing I say here is intended to diminish the very difficult task of a mom who also works outside the home. But I would like to bare my heart, from the perspective of a mom who is coming to the other side of the hard work of my days at home. My “children” are grown. My baby is heading off to college. What I want to share here is how my choice to stay home with my children has impacted my life to this point.

Let me start by listing what I brought into this job. I grew up as the youngest child of older parents. My parents gave me a firm foundation in my faith and encouraged me to have strength of character. Being the youngest child, I didn’t get experience in childcare at home, but I did do a lot of babysitting. It was a good way to make money – often up to $1 an hour! Babysitting and teaching guitar lessons were my only jobs in high school. In college, I didn’t see too much of young children (except my nieces and nephews), but it was there that I grew in faith. I met other young Christians and understood what it meant to develop a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I also (eventually) chose a career path of elementary education, with a special learning disabilities minor. I graduated in five years and married R.J. Traff almost immediately after graduating.  Though we were married relatively young, R.J. and I waited almost five years after marrying to have our first child. In the interim, I worked on the night shift at a factory, as a tutor, as a substitute teacher, as a summer school teacher, as a preschool teacher, and as a daycare provider. I was 28 when Emily was born. I was prepared and oh-so-eager to have children. I was also ready to stay home with my baby girl, and yet – I really had no idea what a journey I was beginning.

My sweet Emily and me

My husband had just landed his first “real” job, working for Analysts International Corporation as a contract computer programmer at IBM. He had a decent salary and great benefits. The timing was perfect for me to stay home. All the hodge-podge of jobs I had been doing over the previous years PUT TOGETHER would not have equaled his new salary, which meant we did not need my income. In our pre-child years, we had discussed our desire to be able to have me stay home with our eventual children. We were both on the same page with this desire, both working hard to make it happen. When Emily was young, I did some part-time, in-home child care for one other baby who was slightly younger than Emily. By the time Joseph came around two years later, I decided to focus on my own kiddos and not do daycare anymore. From then on, it was just a matter of settling into a routine. Laura was born 19 months later, and David another two years after that.

Summer of 1994, ages 6, 4, 2.5, and 6 mos.

I don’t consider four children a large family; however, when all four are under 6 years old, you do get “looks” when you go places, whether it’s the doctor’s office or the grocery store. I’m a bit unconventional, because I actually cherished those looks. I wore them like a badge of honor. I loved taking my kids out places with me, but usually we went places we could reach by walking (with me pushing a stroller). Two rode in the stroller and two walked alongside, hanging on to the stroller. We actually wore out our first stroller, and it was definitely the heavy-duty kind. Those were fun times! I know I didn’t “love” every day, but I remember clearly what I did love. I loved spending time with my children, talking to them, hearing what they thought (and how they thought), reading to them, imagining with them, creating with them, and just generally playing with them. I loved watching them talk, read, imagine, create, and play with each other as well. I loved kisses and hugs. I loved singing songs together. I loved the feel of chubby little fingers woven between my skinny ones. I loved watching our children learn about God, from captured moments and from nightly devotions and prayer time. I loved baseball in the backyard and treasure hunts in the park. I loved eating together and hearing the same knock-knock joke twenty times a day. (OK, maybe I didn’t always love that last part.) Life was one big action verb those days, and I always went to bed tired.

Fun times in 1999, ages 11, 9, 7.5, & 5.5

In point of fact, there were many things I didn’t love. I didn’t love when my children were sick, but I cherished being able to be home with them on those days. I didn’t love punishing them or watching them learn life’s hard lessons, but it was a privilege to be a part of helping them learn to be better people. I didn’t love tantrums, but I feel blessed to have been a part of the process that helped them learn to control their impulses. I didn’t love teaching them to cook meals (that was hard work), but I do love having them cook with me and for me. I didn’t love one son’s struggles in school, but I did love being available to homeschool him through his middle school and high school years.

So now it’s time to get back to the statement that started this long train of thought. Someone wondered if my daughter might use her college degree in elementary education more than I used mine. I don’t think that’s possible, but I do hope that she gets the opportunity to use her degree as much as I have used mine. True, I never had a permanent position as a full-time elementary school teacher. However, Early Childhood Development, Methods classes (for teaching reading, math, science, social studies, art, and physical education), The Exceptional Child, Language Development…almost every single education class I took applied directly to raising our children, in one way or another. It has been the most delightful experience in my life to have my own home be my classroom. One of the wisest pieces of advice I ever received in parenting was this: “No matter where your children go to school, you are their primary teacher. You are responsible for overseeing their education.” I have taken this role seriously, and I have truly loved it. And now, twenty-four years after it all began, I seem to have worked myself out of the best job ever.  Sure, I’ll continue being Emily’s, Joseph’s, Laura’s, and David’s mom for as long as God keeps me here on this earth, but the day-to-day, moment-to-moment part is almost complete. Our children are unique, compassionate, hard-working, full-fledged adult people who enjoy being with each other and with us. I love them all deeply.

All of us on Easter, 2012

In case you are wondering, I have absolutely no regrets that my career didn’t put money in the bank or add categories to a résumé. I thank God every day for the privilege of being a stay-home mom (with or without any fancy words around the title).  To my friends who are just beginning the journey, hang on! You’re in for a wonderful ride.