Thirty Years Together

Over the life of this blog, I have written about my marriage several times. It’s a topic that is near and dear to my heart. Today, my husband, Robert Joseph Traff, and I celebrate our 30th anniversary. I cannot figure out how that is possible. The years seem to have evaporated in no time at all.

June 18, 1983

R.J. and I met in college. What a lot of fun we had in those days, with no money to speak of, an abundant supply of dreams, and many, great friends by our side. We had time to take long walks and talk for hours. We didn’t always agree, and we even had some terrifically bumpy times in those early days, but I think we came out of it on the other side stronger. And married! We were 21 (R.J.) and 23 (me) when we said our vows – just babies, really. We knew so little and loved so much. The “two became one” in verse and in law, but it took us some time to realize what that really meant in day-to-day life. Both of us were used to being independent and making decisions on our own. The fact is, we weren’t really very considerate. Doors were slammed (mostly by me) and voices were raised (by both of us). We had to learn to discuss before making major purchases, to call when we were going to be late, to pick up towels off the bathroom floor, and so much more.  Loving each other wasn’t enough; we needed to learn to sacrifice for each other. I think that was the major lesson of our first years of marriage. R.J. worked and finished college; I had finished college, so I did substitute teaching during the day and worked at WinCraft factory in the evenings (3-11:00 pm), making buttons. After a while, I found a job teaching preschool for a year. Our life was full (or so we thought) and busy (or so we thought). As we celebrated our fourth anniversary, we were settling into a new apartment – a townhome on Valley High Drive in Rochester, Minnesota.

R.J. worked as a contractor for IBM, and I found a job as a nanny. We hadn’t been in Rochester too long before we found out we were expecting our first child. We were so excited!! Emily Elizabeth Traff came along when we were just a couple of months shy of our fifth anniversary. After that, our family grew quickly. By our tenth anniversary, we were expecting our fourth child. These were the years that we learned that it wasn’t enough just to sacrifice for each other, we also had to sacrifice for our children. Some might consider sacrifice to be a negative word, but that’s not the way I see it. Putting others ahead of myself has brought me joy without regrets. I had the privilege of staying home when everybody was little, because R.J. and I decided that it was important for me to do that. Because that is the path we chose, we did without a lot of extras. I can’t name any of those “things” we missed out on at this moment; what I can recall are the many blessings I received from the time when our Troupe were little guys. Those memories just overwhelm me at times. I have been so blessed.

Years ten to thirty have been all about parenting. R.J. and I had to learn to carve out little rituals to stay in touch. The kids know that neither of us is to leave the house or arrive back at the house without kissing the other. Those are the RULES, people. You can’t break the rules. At this point, we have raised up four adults. Emily is married. Joe is out of college. Laura is approaching her senior year at Crown College. David is entering his second year at Winona State University. They are delightful young people, but they do not now nor did they ever define our marriage. Somewhere along the way, we wrote this poem together. It represents a “traditional” view of marriage, but it’s what we believe.  We rely on God every day, to let us know His priorities for our lives.

Three Words

By R.J. & Elizabeth Traff

                                The word "husband" is a symbol

                                                of a guiding and guided protector,

                                                                a head of the home,

                                                                                of the family, and of joy.

                                The word "husband" is a symbol

                                                of obedience to the Lord,

                                                                of a leadership in love.

                                The word "husband" is a symbol

                                                of a respect beyond words.

                                The word "wife" is a symbol

                                                of a loving and loved creator,

                                                                a maker of the home

                                                                                of the family, and of joy.

                                The word "wife" is a symbol

                                                of a most cherished companion,

                                                                a friend in light and darkness.

                                The word "wife" is a symbol

                                                of a love beyond words.

                                The word "marriage" is a symbol

                                                of a promising and a promised commitment,

                                                                the establishment of the home,

                                                                                of the family, and of joy.

                                The word "marriage" is a symbol

                                                of desires fulfilled and disappointments shared,

                                                                of a lifetime of unpredictability and delight.

                                The word "marriage" is a symbol

                                                of a joining beyond words.

                                "Husband" and "wife" together in "marriage",

                                                with the Lord to bind them strong,

                                                                will be symbols to the world:

                                Of the best that life has to offer

                                                in the midst of its worst;

                                Of the compassion that life has to offer

                                                in the midst of its apathy;

                                Of the joy that life has to offer

                                                in the midst of its sorrow;

                                Of the companionship that life has to offer

                                                in the midst of its loneliness.

                                "Marriage" is a beginning and a journey,

                                                One step at a time, holding dearly to the Heavenly Father,

                                                                Always moving from this day forward.

This trip we have been on for the past week and a half (and will continue on for another week and a half) has been an incredible blessing. It is our first time to venture out for any great distance without the family. We have logged over 2450 miles on the car, traveled through 12 states (two more to go), spent time in two Canadian provinces (two more to go), laughed together at silly things, grumped at each other occasionally, and traveled two hours ahead in time (Atlantic Time Zone). I have taken 977 pictures, not counting all the shots I’ve deleted along the way. (See how I’ve really SPARED you, Facebook frends?) We have been blessed by the hospitality of three families along the way (two more on the way back). If you count our bed at home as the first day, we slept in nine beds in nine days on the way here (five more on the way back). It could well be that trips are a microcosm of life. Enjoying the journey and the people who take the journey with you is ever so important. How far you go depends a lot on how early you start and how many stops you make along the way. R.J. Traff, I am delighted to have spent thirty years on this journey of life by your side. I am glad for the laughs, the tears, the learning, and the growing we have done together. Happy Anniversary!